Thursday, 10 April 2014

Just how do I let go and move on

Sometimes I feel, I am living this wretched life carrying so much pain, hopelessness, anger and resentment in me. I am fighting myself constantly. I know, I am steeped in a lot of negative emotions, none that will help me. I am desperate to let them go, and let my soul heal, yet every cell in me refuses to free itself of them, it just pulls them back and holds it, like it is the only way of survival. Somewhere in this fight, I am tired. Tired of trying, tired of feeling, tired of bleeding, tired of the shackles that hold me. I want to let go, I want to break free and I have tried many ways to do it and yet I feel I am no better than I was before. Being in an abusive relationship gave me enough pain, now my pain and hatred are giving me pain. It is such a vicious circle, why cant life be simple. Why cant the painful part of my life just fade away from memory, become inconsequential? Why does it jail me the same way that my abusive marriage did. Is it because, I am not yet fully free from my marriage that this fear and pain still haunt me? I want answers, I want results and I am impatient but nothing helps. Does pain ever heal? Can I ever feel whole and normal again? Will I ever have a happy life again, or will the baggage I currently carry always weigh over my happiness? Will I ever be able to forgive those who hurt me? I have tried hard enough for long, but with little result, will I succeed in forgiving them?
Life seems like a quest of answers for a list of endless questions.

2 comments:

  1. Hi Danita. I just read your posts, and I'm sorry about what you're going through. Everyone deserves a happy life. You're breaking out of bitter unhappiness, and it's tough that it still seems like a long journey.

    People will tell you how forgiveness is important to move on. I don't think it is. Not just yet. What's important is that you do the best for yourself. You put yourself first. You can't change other people, but you can change the way you interact with them. Friends can sometimes be your family. I've realised that close family members who judge you, upset you, question you aren't the people you need to keep close.

    I hope things get better soon x You'll always have an online shoulder

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    1. Thankyou so much astrodominie :)

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